Dear Mother

I don’t know
maybe I would write you
a happy ending
I would rearrange the pieces
to your sad beginning
I would put you far away
from the decaying roots
that bore you
and let you experience
all the ways that happiness
could bloom before you
or maybe I’m naive
maybe I’m just a kid
who thought that
if he could plant a seed
It would somehow grow inside you…..
I spent so much of my time
wishing you were different
reality is what it is
if I could wish for one thing
id go back and I’d fix it
id tackle every one of your obstacles
and better the intentions
of every single person
whod play a part
in you learning exactly
what your worth is
id shower you with purpose
wipe hate off the surface
reshape all your pain
and make it fucking worth it
no more feeling worthless
no more fucking searching
no more of that fraud shit
no more hurt
and if anyone ever tried to
id wipe em from the earth
cuz I know
that you hurting mom
I know that you tired too
I know that
you been running
from everything thats behind you
I know you
bury everything
deep inside you
I can see it killing you
wish that I could revive you
but I’m stuck
in this god damn life
struggling with my demons
one day
it could get better
maybe it could get better
maybe we could change shit
have a better relationship
everything is different now
nothing is the same
nowadays I swear
it feels like
you don’t know me
but I look at the mirror
I see you every day
I see you in me
and maybe you should know
it’s the last thing that I wanted
cuz what I hate about you
makes me feel like…
I don’t wanna
spend the rest of my time
on the run
so
I’m just gonna confront it
tell you that I love you
for everything you made me
and that you need to hear this
even if it makes you angry
I forgive you
for doing everything
that it cost you
losing a part of me
that would follow you to hell
follow you to hatred
or follow you anywhere
i followed your patterns
I could never get out of
now I realize that
I could never make it without love
now I realize
I never wanted you
to save me
I wish you grew up
with someone you could count on
I wish you knew
that you could never make it
without love
for your goddamn self
and that you
never ever find it in anybody else
cuz I would help you find you
and if I saw it killing you
I swear I would revive you
if that meant
the end of me
I’d do it all for you
because
you are such a special thing
you’re not just my mom
but you’re the reason I exist
the best life
that you could’ve had for yourself
without making a mistake, me…
would have meant
a better life for you
even though my childhood wasn’t perfect
I still love you
I just want you to know
that if I could go back
and do one thing for you
or be one person for you
I would make sure
not just for my sake
but so that you could’ve had
a nicer life
and a nicer childhood
that you know
you would not have made the mistakes
that put us in this situation
and not have the strength to leave
but just so that
you would have been
happier and stronger
even if I didn’t exist
even it meant that
I was never born
that’s what I would have wanted
for you
and if that meant the end of me
I’d do it all for you
I don’t know
maybe I would write you
a happy ending
and that I could hide you
from the rain
so that it could be easier
for happiness to find you
or maybe I’m still a kid
who’s caught in a dream

10-6-2017

Kris