taking care of my mother for the rest of her life…

anyone that knows my situation knows the deal. Complain and I ignore….its just what I do. My cards are out on the table. I have nothing to hide…. it is what it is. I will be taking care of my mother for the rest of her life…and I feel very proud to be put in a situation to do so. It’s what any great son would do. My mother took care of me for 18 years, she didn’t have to. My biological father left when I was born, my father figure died when I was 14 @ 36….really young. My mom may have had her ups and downs over the years, raised us in an unusual way, but I came out great, and I am forever thankful. She didn’t have to stay…. she sacrificed her life for me. I dont understand why Jen cant understand this. What am I suppose to do? Throw her on the street? My mom has nobody left except me….I shouldnt have to argue with the ONE person in this world that should be supporting my decision from the start. Not argue with me and complain all of the time.

It looks like over the last 2 years slowly she is starting to accept it…but she still hasnt fully accepted it. I carry a burden on my shoulders day in and day out knowing that Jen has not accepted it… just waiting for the complaining to happen again over some small BS… such as your moms doing this, your moms doing that. Who cares… honestly. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Nobody is forcing her to stay. I am directly honest with her… thats what women want right? I dont lie, I dont cheat… I have strong integrity and morals… I feel I am extremely reasonable. However there are a few things in this world I will not tolerate from anybody.(even my mom and Jen)

We have so many good things ahead of us. A nice big house…..starting a family….a strong foundation…. but all of this is in jeapordy due to Jens selfishness. I cant change the cards I was delt. I can only merely play them the best to my abilities. If she thinks I am going to choose a big house, and start a family at the expense of ditching my mother to the street…. oh boy does she have a rude awakening. I will lay Jen flat on her face before that ever happens. Lets get real, Jen is 2nd to my mother, she probably always will be. Jen didnt take care of me for 18 years, and sacrifice her life. I should be 2nd to her parents as well. As much as some say this is a douchebag thing to say… what can I say… im honest. That doesnt mean I dont care for Jen… as she has my heart. Has had it for a very long time. #2 out of everybody I know…that is pretty high, especially to my high standards.

 

DETERMINATION!!!!!!

tonight is one of the worst nights of my life.

tonight is one of the worst nights of my life. i got a dui tonight. I even sat in my car for 2 hours waiting to get sober to drive home. .09. literally 3 hours ago. its a long story but a story that is useless to begin with. i was wrong. i will learn from this day and move forward. i am so disappointed in myself right now. words cannot describe how pissed i am at myself at this very moment in time. i will take all of this negative energy and turn it into something positive. no matter how hard i have to work, no matter how much i need to learn i will do whatever it takes. i will refrain from alcohol for a very long time. i can already feel the determination flowing through my body. i will look back on this post in 10 years and think to myself “this was a truly significant day in my life”

erased this 7 times

I have erased this 7 times. cliffnotes

i started writing about jen, and my mom. whats new right? then I deleted it and started writing about how pissed off I am….*rolls eyes* but whats the point? complaining does nothing it really does. Complaining is just taking time away to solve problems. But here is the catch… how can you solve a problem is the problem is not you? Oh but wait.. what if it is you? What if you think the problem is the other person, but they think its you? Where do you go from there? You see….both parties can either sit back and play the blame game or they can both not ‘try’ and be happy and move on with their lives…. but simply BE happy and move on with their lives. instead of creating useless drama…. but wait… what if it is not useless? theres a difference between trying and just DOING. Just DO IT. like Nike. Nike doesnt want to hear any fucking excuses. JUST DO IT.

 

But see this is where it gets tricky. Person A believes Person B is causing majority of the problems. Person B believes Person A is causing all of the problems. Fighting occurs.

Person A understands that Person C is a very big problem, Person C is person A’s mother being around.

I dont even know why I am explaining this because I am right. It is not an opinion, I am right. I am not wrong. I will never believe I am wrong. She probably will never believe she is wrong. This will just lead to a mass amount of fighting over the next 10 years and we will grow to resent eachother. So if I am not willing to admit to being wrong(which would be completely lying to everything I stand for) and she is not willing to admit wrong because she SOMEHOW truly believes that she is right…………..i dont see how this works.

 

I dont care what anyone says. ANYONE. I dont care if my mom is a drug addict. I dont care if shes poor, shes racist, shes irresponsible, she smokes, she lies, enter almost any bad thing here. I will always take care of my mom. Until she literally tries to kill me. Do I understand that this will limit my overall life? Yes. Do I understand that I could be SO much more in this world if she wasnt around? Yes. I could go on and on

But you simply cannot buy this kind of love. You just cant. This is love in its PUREST form. And for the LIFE of me I cannot understand why Jen cannot see this. I cannot understand why Jen does half of the things she does, and says half of the things she says. I really try to forget what she has done in the past, I really try. If everyone really knew the kind of person Jen REALLY is sometimes…..oh man.

This so fucking depressing. Its the same thing OVER and OVER and OVER, and guess what? I am the fool who falls for it everytime.

soak it in!!

Its very interesting…. at times I feel like nothing can stop be. Other times I feel extremely vulnerable to failure. I just think of one thing… I have come WAY too far to stop now. I come from practically nothing based on the standards of the united states. I don’t compete with people… I straight up beat them. No complaining here….its useless. It doesn’t do anything. I wish people would feed off my level of determinaiton more…………whats the deal people???? soak it in. SOAK IT IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!