I’m always looking to shift the paradigms. Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know. Growth is painful. Change is painful. But, nothing is as painful as staying stuck where you do not belong. Often times we don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are. We all have things we don’t want to remember, but the thing is, sometimes your mind doesn’t let you forget, if you have something to learn from it.
Patience. Oh patience. Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in mind. All information has the possibility to cause fear, it is about how we perceive this. As human beings we are conditioned into judging information we are given as either good or bad, I try to take it in solely as information hearing it with an unbiased ear. Then rather than reacting emotionally I am able to respond intentionally.
For me it never gets old. For me, I don’t know what to think, you know… other than I am privileged. I just know that I will be giving back for the rest of my life. I know how hard it is. I have so much respect for so many people. I’ve always enjoyed proving people wrong. I need to let this go. I’ve always been driven more by criticism more than society’s definition of “success”. How do I stay grounded? I was a late bloomer. I struggled a lot in my youth with so many things. I really struggled in the early part of my life. Finding out who I am, and why I am here. So I think that part is in me…. its deep. its there, and its not going anywhere. The foundation of who I was, where I am, where I started… where I’m at now is a reflection of so many things, situation and occurrences that just had to happen. They just had to happen.
Trauma creates change you don’t choose, healing is about creating change you do choose. Only a healed person can heal others. It took me an awful long time to learn that forgiveness is not a gift to someone else, it is a gift to yourself. It is a gift to LOVE yourself. So love yourself, and forgive. Never wish them pain. That’s not who you are. If they caused you pain, they must have pain inside. Wish them healing, that is truly what they need. What is anger? A beautiful answer is, anger is punishment we give to ourselves for somebody else’s mistake. Despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met THEMSELVES.
Perspective. Our own experiences shape us & how we see the world around us. The truth is, I was afraid to feel the pain. Eventually, the pain was so present, it could no longer be avoided. In order to heal, I had to feel. It’s impossible to numb the feelings of sadness, fear, shame, without numbing the feelings of joy, contentment, gratitude. Sometimes you need to be alone to find out who you really are, and what you truly want in life. This is why I lived out of my prius for several months in 2017. We all can learn a lot about ourselves during late night conversations with ourselves. So many shed tears. I realized my eyes needed to be washed out so that I could see life with not only a clearer view, but with divine purpose. Before I could release the weight of my sadness and pain, I first had to honor its existence. I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. Only in the process of fixing myself, I know who I really was. I knew what I was truly capable of. I realized I was suffering not by my past, nor my future. I was suffering from my memory & imagination. I wanted to be loved for who I am, not for who someone wanted me to be. I wanted to show up every day and not only be seen, but vulnerably seen.
Life is just so much better when we focus on what truly matters. Vulnerability matters. GENUINE LOVE creates feelings of warmth, pleasure, safety, inner peace and stability. These are also the loving behaviors you should spread among the people you love and the whole humanity. By living whole heatedly. I’ve always valued relationships that go far beyond small talk, drinking, smoking, gossiping, and going out. I’ve always been someone to cull my inner circle, more than ever now. I want to cry in front of you, I want us to support each other’s lives, and goals. Believe in each other.
Now more than ever, I observe peoples habitual behavior, patterns/cycles. The truth is in their patterns and cycles. Not so much their words. I think I listen to peoples energy more than their words. My intuition seems to be developing at a rapid pace. No one is always busy. It just depends on what number you’re on their priority list. It’s the hard reality. It’s okay to be different. Just be yourself. The right people will eventually find you. They will value you. Don’t change so people will like you, be yourself and the RIGHT people will love you. I’ve never understood this more than I do right now.
Now more than ever, I am impeccable with my word. I try so much to only say what I mean. To speak with integrity, using the power of my voice in the direction of truth & love. I no longer make assumptions. I communicate as clear as possible to avoid misunderstandings. Nothing anyone does is ever because of me. What others say and do is a projection of their reality, not mine. I try not to have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to me. I try my best to be proactive, not reactive. Reacting= giving my divine power away. I wish to no longer give my power away anymore.