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Trust and Consequences from TED Radio Hour in Podcasts #3
Kris Notes 4-13-2018
The first gentlemen starts talking about how there are so many people organized in an orchestra, that everyone needs to TRUST the composer, and their instruments to make the sound come out the way it should. Nice and harmonious. It takes time for 89-90 people to trust one another. To play specifically together at the right tune/time.
Between the composer and orchestra, there has to be an unshakeable amount of trust, born out of mutual respect, through which they can create a musical performance unlike no other.
Its not about power, its not about ‘whos in charge’, its about TRUST.
That kind of trust, is what allows us to make assumptions that things will go RIGHT.
Trust is the most fundamental thing in every single human relationship, and without trust, no relationships can really flourish.
Trust means the pilot will get you home safely, or the thing you order will arrive, your partner wont cheat. Trust is the way a beautiful piece of music comes together, without it, everything breaks down.
When youre in a position of not trusting, what do you do? You overcompensate.
“conducting is like holding a small bird in your hand. If you hold it too tightly you will crush it, too loosely and it will fly away. ”- It was difficult for this composer at this stage in his life to even find the BIRD.
You cant expect other people to trust you, if you do not trust yourself.
Where there is no trust, the music withers away, but where there is trust, music can continue forever.
If you force the music, sure it might come out well, but the music wouldn’t have any life. It wouldn’t be true to this musicians. The best kind of manager, is the one who unlocks ideas out in others, rather than impose his or her own.
2nd person on podcast.
Until we feel that we can rely completely on the person to the left of us, the person to the right of us, we cant really achieve anything great.
How can we cultivate trust? Sometimes trust works in illogical ways….
For example: we sometimes trust people like us, even if their not qualified. Imagine you are in pairs and you come across people similar to you(bond with them, they are american), and you hit it off. These people give you a restaurant recommendation. You trust them, even though they are strangers and NOT from paris…..we feel like someone like us, has our interests in mind, so we trust them. If a local Frenchman turned to you and welcomed you, gave you a recommendation, you would think, You’re a weirdo…. Who are you? You might think the Frenchman was benefitting from it or something. Even though hes FAR more likely to know something off the beaten path that’s better.
When were surrounded by people who are like us, in some way, we trust them.
Trust is a feeling, a distinctly human experience. Simply doing everything you promise to do does not mean people will trust you, it means you may be reliable. We all have friends who are total screw-ups, but we still trust them. Trust comes from a sense of common values, and beliefs. The reason why trust is so important, is when we are with people who believe what we believe, we are more confident in taking risks, to experiment(which requires failure), explore, knowing someone will watch out back, help us when we fall over.
What happens when we feel like we don’t trust those around us?
Imagine you are at the airport and someone goes to board the plane but their section has not been called yet. You hear the airline worker say GET BACK we did not call you! The response: Why cant you just talk to us normally? Worker; Sir, if I don’t FOLLOW THE RULES I COULD GET IN TROUBLE OR LOSE BY JOB. All that she is revealing is she does not feel safe in her job, that her own leaders of the company don’t trust her.
Whats the connection between feeling safe, and trust?
The sense of feeling safe comes first. When we feel safe, trust WILL emerge. The reason we call someone leader, is because they choose to go first, they choose to extend trust first, even before there are any signs that they should. It’s the willingness to express empathy before anyone else.
This feeling changes behavior. When we see people are willing to do that, willing to put their lives on the line, we cannot help ourselves, the natural human response is trust.
A company was hit very hard by a recession. Lost 10 million dollars. Most companies would go to auto layoffs to cut costs, cut losses. But what one company did was instead of laying people off, they told ALL employees they would all need to take 4 weeks unpaid vacation, so everyone still had a job, but a little less. They could take it whenever they wanted. Some people even took others weeks knowing the other people needed the money MORE! Wow! “its better that we should all suffer a little, than any of us should have to suffer alot”- wow! MORALE went up! The company saved 20 million, even more than they lost! Most importantly, when the workers felt safe and under good leadership, they TRUSTED. Its only natural to cooperate.
If people show empathy, we reward them with trust, and loyalty.
Trust is not mechanical. There is no formula. There is no “7 steps to building trust”- there are many important things that you can do to gain trust, but its not guaranteed, like mechanics. These very human things require us to sacrifice. It can come in many forms. Time, energy.
The foundation of trust: is to be willing to sacrifice oneself for another.
Helping others, before helping yourself. This immensely builds trust. TO be willing to risk oneself for the sake of another. Its quite brave. Why would you give you blood sweat and tears for someone else? “because they would have done it for me!”
Part 3 of program: How our reputations act as of a kind of currency.
If someone were to ask you for 3 words to sum up your reputation, what would you say? (Me personally, I think most people would pick Determined #1) The other two im not too sure.
What people think of you, drives what is called the trust economy. Trust is the social glue. We exchange money without banks: lending club, etc, we accept rides from strangers: Uber, Lyft, cabs, we stay in peoples homes that WEVE NEVER MET!: air bnb, couch surfing. All of those services RUN ON TRUST.
We trust people through digital technologies because we think we know them. Im going to trust this website to put in my real name. Im going to trust this website with payment information. Im going to trust this platform to put highly personal information, and then im going to meet that person in real life.(dating websites). The way we are not forming trust, is becoming expressed and accelerated.
Peer to peer lending. People often trust peer to peer lending more than a bank. Why? Because a bank is a corporation, and peer to peer lending is other HUMAN BEINGS. They feel a sense of responsibility to pay back.
Part 4: Trust between people who love each other
Love is one of the most extraordinary experiences we can have in our lives
One of the fundamental feelings that comes with trust is “I am not alone”.
We are all on a quest for trust. Trust allows us to live our lives and accept that thing will function. Trust is our ability is some way to live with what we may never know. But, to somehow tolerate that unknown enough, that we can move. To take risks, and love.
The interesting thing about trust is, it takes a long time to develop. What’s interesting is, when trust is broken, there is an opportunity to regain trust at a higher level than what was previously had. This takes a lot of effort and understanding though. It does not come easy by any means.
Infidelity today is often seen as the ultimate betrayal.
Cheating on a spouse is often looked at as very traumatic. You start questioning yourself. Can I ever trust again?
Trust is extremely fragile, and valuable.
Btw, I love this lady’s accent!
Can we rebuild trust? YES! It’s different from the trust we had before…a more mature trust….a trust more rooted in reality.
The majority of couples who experience infidelity stay together. Some will merely survive, and some will turn a crisis into an opportunity. Something about the fear of loss, can rekindle desire and make way for an entirely new kind of truth.
Affairs have two sides: Hurt & Betrayal on one side, and growth and self-discovery on the other.