Fathers Obituary

My father was far more than a fucking delivery driver. He owned his own business. He was survived by two daughters and one son, but of course out of spite of our mother, his family purposefully left me and my older sister out of the obituary. As the 20th anniversary of my fathers death approaches next February, I can’t help but think of how different my life would have been the last 20 years if he were alive…
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Mr. Garry Wayne Haws, 36, 0f 1015 Forest Glen Road, Silver Spring, died Tuesday, Feb. 13, at Shady Grove Adventist Hospital, Rockville.

Born in Frederick, he was the son of John V. Haws Jr. and Dorothy E. Poole of Gaithersburg.

He was a delivery driver.

In addition to his parents, he is survived by one daughter, Samantha S. Fraley; two sisters, Barbara A. Murphy and Gloria S. Haws; three brothers, John W. Haws, Ricky L. Sines of Frederick, and Larry K. Haws; and many nieces and nephews.

He will also be remembered by his fiancee Edith L. Greene-Heidt.

Relatives and friends may call at Collins Funeral Home, 500 University Blvd. W., Silver Spring Friday, Feb. 16, from 2 to 4 and 7 to 9 p.m.

Funeral services will be held at 1 p.m. Saturday, Feb. 17, at the funeral home.

Interment will be in George Washington Cemetery, Aldelphi.

Memorial contributions may be made to American Diabetes Association, 1211 Connecticut Ave. N.W., #204, Washington, D.C. 20036.

 

To Plant Memorial Trees in memory, please visit our Sympathy Store.
Published in The Frederick News-Post on Feb. 16, 2001.
https://www.legacy.com/obituaries/fredericknewspost/obituary.aspx?n=garry-haws&pid=168352581&fhid=6151

The vulnerability dream

The dream begins with a few of us routinely playing basketball at nelson court. Us 4 playing basketball including myself, Jose, Jin, and his brother Mike. First, the slight fever. Then us joking around saying “hahaha Jose you have covid you’re gonna die!”, of course none of us truly believed Jose had Covid, we were playing around like “guys normally do”. One of us suggested he take a covid test, for fun. The kind of nonsensical fun some of us had when we all used to get drunk and blow into the digital breathalyzer I bought trying to see who was drunk the most. We all followed Jose to the nearest covid testing place not thinking much of it. These tests came back instantly, Jose was positive. So we decided to take the test “just for fun” none of us believed we all had contracted it, even though we had all rigorously played ball for several hours beforehand.

What had started out as any normal day for those friends and family closest to us turned horribly wrong within a matter of hours. We had all tested positive.  We all drove behind Jose to holy cross hospital. As I parked my car next to his, and watched him barely able to get out of the driver seat once his car was parked. This is when I had a profound realization, “this could be really bad”. Within a matter of an hour, Jose was gone. Dead. Deceased. Forever. Just like that. Friends and families lives forever changed. This is the cruel realization of death, when it comes, there is no notice. It just comes. “But can I have one more day, one more hour?” Death: You’ve had your whole life, why should I give you more time?

Fast forward, Jimmy & I we’re aggressively racing down Randolph road weaving in and out of traffic. I was driving my recently turbo’d z4, while Jimmy was driving his turbo’d s2000. I suppose in this world there are no cell phones. We were trying to drive to Jose’s mothers house to speak of the tragic news. I got caught at georgia ave on a yellow light. Jimmy & I had both reached 130mph on randolph, but I was somehow meek enough to stop at a yellow light. I could see Jimmy waving his hands and screaming, there is a cop behind you, if you dont run this light now, you’re fucked. my house is right down the street, so I run the light, the cop follows. Jimmy gets away, the cop slowly follows me into my house driveway.

I get out of the car looking completely defeated, as my friend as just died. I could careless about breaking the law, the speeding, etc. The cop obviously has no idea, to her it is just another routine speeding stop. I start speaking, you only got me, my friend blew on down the street. I knew you were going to get me, so I just surrendered. I could have easily sped away from you. Why did you decide not to run? I just dont have the energy. Its not important. You know what kind of trouble you’re in? Yeah, probably, as I start crying, honestly though, Im not really concerned, because I just lost one of my best friends within the last hour. i could be gone within the next hour too. Im driving from the hospital, I have covid too, you should probably step back away from me. Patadigm shift. Her entire perspective on the situation changes with the new information at hand. Just like my paradigm shift when jose was falling out of his vehicle.

The story abruptly ends with me talking to the cop about how I had just been married to the love of my life within the past week, and how I had no idea to tell her there was a good chance of me dying within the next hour.

I suppose the moral of the story is to eat your spinach like popeye so you can grow up to be big and strong. Or, maybe, just maybe, routinely tell your friends and family how much you love them because death can be cruel and take us at any random moment.

Dr. Wayne 9-17-2020 Notes – Last Session Before Our Marriage

 

  • Don’t let your surroundings write your story
  • Isabel Wilkerson – Caste
    • Racism is a construct to serve an economic end
  • Money is a form of power and allows you to create options
  • Not letting the current 2020 nightmare scenario obscure your affirmative vision
  • Lin-Manuel Miranda (Hamilton) – Is your narrative going to be reactionary or progressive? Who lives, who dies, who tells your story?
  • Switch paradigm to acceptance and finding meaning instead of struggling to seek acceptance from family of origin
    • Recognize that blood ain’t the same as family
  • What Kris has to take from my dad are suggestions, not commands
  • “If your history is that important to you, maybe what you need to do is hold onto it and let me go”
  • The last thing you want in a marriages are endless skirmishes and strife
  • Marriage is hard the same way being a professional football player is hard
    • The stakes are higher
    • Marriage acts as a crucible to burn away the impurities
    • Set boundaries early
    • Treat your marriage like a presidency
    • 1st 100 days
  • What and how do we serve our affirmative vision for the future
    • How do we practice habits 1-3
      • Be Proactive
      • Begin with the end in mind
      • Put first things first
    • Public Victories
      • Win-win
      • First seek to understand, then be understood
      • Synergy
  • Dr. Wayne’s Tesla story – don’t let the foolishness of a couple people let you underestimate the value of an enterprise
  • You don’t have to let your father’s mistakes define you – Black Panther analogy
  • You don’t need relentless anger to guard your borders and your boundaries. You need faith, courage, and wisdom
  • St. Paul – Faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love
  • What can you transform that anger into?
    • Passion for the family and connection you create
    • Positivity
    • Empathy and forgiveness
  • Book – Forgive for Good
    • Giving up the grievance story
  • “Woundology” – people who reach into wounds to try to leverage  social power
    • You can leverage power either through your wounds or through your wisdom (through knowledge)
  • Don’t let the family you inherited make you doubt who and what you chose
  • Best not to believe the rhetoric of unreliable narrators
  • As an empath (Ruth), you have to guide your heart in a particular way. You have a lot of power, you have to learn not to take all that in
  • Wisdom is an interplay between the material and the person
  • Replace grievance story with a gratitude and a great gains story
  • Oprah – “True forgiveness is when you can say ‘thank you for that painful experience’.”
  • Unforgiveness prevents you from being present in the moment.
  • Chadwick Boseman’s death
    • Luminaries light the way. It’s not about why did he die so early, but how did he live?
    • Don’t just idolize him, emulate him
  • Imago therapy is a discipline and a lifestyle
  • Yoga analogy – “peace, peace, peace” mantra in the face of inner critic
  • Some gifts you’re gonna have to have in the presence of your critic or your curse
    • Eg. Chadwick Boseman
  • Start a new family to break a generational curse, not from a place of retribution, but from a place of “we can do better than this”
  • Aren’t your goals and dreams worthy of your effort? David Goggins
  • God, help me to get from the day vs. through the day
  • Understand purpose – you’re here because God had a better idea than family
  • You are the Tesla to their Mustang
  • Innovations in engineering, and engineering in family and emotional life
  • Higher, faster, further

Turning Wounds Into Wisdom – 8/20/20 Session

8-20-20 Session – Turning Wounds into Wisdom

  • “Some of the most painful chapters of my life were because I accommodated someone I should have refused and capitulated to someone I should have corrected and dismissed. Don’t get lost in regret. Simply change your policy and move forward.” – Dr. Wayne
  • When you act in alignment with your principles, miracles happen
  • Stillness is the Key – book
    • Not in the sense of inactivity
    • You have to let your mind settle from all the forces vying for your attention
  • You want to be clear about whose priorities you’re serving

Life is hard… to find the joy you have to “settle” so you can see it

Financial Wisdom

  • Save the equivalent of a mortgage payment for 2 years, then you’ll have a  fully funded emergency fund
    • Dave Ramsey, David Bach, Kiyosaki, Michelle Singletary – teachings based on Biblical principles
  • “Million dollar day” – act in alignment with that
  • Say what you’ve heard so you can see what you said
  • Financial infidelity can have a greater impact than physical infidelity

Healing Wounds

  • Mistakes will be made, but what is your repair process?
  • Be willing to pay the pain price to build that muscle
    • “Pain price” – discomfort, failure
  • Sometimes the best thing you can do for your family members is to give them the gift of struggle
  • Some people don’t change because we’re always available
    •  “Why are people always calling me” – People call what works
  • Maybe it’s time for me to be available for reciprocity than calamity
  • “Your vibe attracts your tribe”
  • Mr. Miyagi – best defense – don’t be there
  • You won’t pay your dues with my checkbook
  • What is it I’m prepared to do to protect my future from the poison of my past?
  • Don’t let a curse you inherited exempt you from a blessing you chose
  • Eleanor Roosevelt – “Women are like teabags. If you want to see what a woman is made of, put them in hot water”
  • I’ve got more things to do with my life than be your teachable moment
  • It pays to know how to purchase knowledge. (Lin Manuel Miranda, Stevie Wonder, PTSD books)
  • If your mind is muddled by some dysfunction that you think you have to accommodate, you will miss your million dollar day
  • How about I work my own emotional math to map my way to my future as opposed to using something I inherited
    • There are people who need you to remain who you used to be
  • Feed your seeds not your weeds
  • If it takes 51 calls for you to pick up, that’s what you’re teaching the person it takes to reach you
  • “When Violence is the Answer” – book by Tim Larkin
    • Decisive violence – teaches people how to get to vulnerable areas in self-defense
    • Escape, neutralize, or finish
  • Story of David and Bathsheba – Bathsheba didn’t say no, but David misused his power
    • Joseph, on the other hand, did not misuse his position when dealing with Potiphar’s wife, and his family who had betrayed him
  • What do you do when your life is full of people who misuse their position
    • Stop accommodating their agenda with the days of your life and the money in your pocket
    • You’re enabling them
  • Do not allow yourself to be captured by the emotional plantation of family members
    • Don’t spend your life serving purposes that you did not choose
  • I reserve the right to opt out when it serves my purpose and my priorities
  • Acknowledge that your family is a toxic asset, then put them in a different portfolio
    • Most of my money, time etc goes in a portfolio that is toxic asset free
  • When COVID hit, we found out who was essential.
  • Who are the essential workers in my life and how can I pour into them?
  • When dark days come, they do not need an instruction manual or an invitation
  • Otherwise, “You have made yourself irrelevant”
  • Where attention goes, energy flows. Shift your focus
  • Buffy the Vampire slayer – only one slayer per generation. Buffy survived because she has her crew. All her crew became slayers because Willow changed the story
  • Make sure you elect the right people in your life. Make sure your vote ain’t suppressed
  • What does it take to build a dynasty? Multiple winning seasons

Psychology

  1. Doing things that scare you make you happier.
  2. The happier we are the less sleep we need.
  3. Women with male best friends have better moods.
  4. Men with female best friends have a better overall emotional intelligence
  5. Our brain becomes more creative when we are tired.
  6. You can’t multitask.
  7. Bite sized information are the best.
  8. Our mind wanders 30% of the time.
  9. Getting someone to do a favour makes them like you more.
  10. 1 (person) in 12 people has sex in their sleep.
  11. Cursing helps reduce pain.
  12. Unhappy people watch more TV.

Dr. Wayne Notes 7-30-2020 Session

Notes 7-30-2020
  • Continuing theme of healing & restoration (particularly relevant since I started taking an SSRI)
  • Remember the emotional triad
    • Physiology easiest to change – disciplines and habits
    • Recruiting your body in the regulation and cultivation of your mind
    • Hold onto intention that restoration is the goal
      • Mustang analogy – when the car is delivered, it needs to look same as when it left Detroit
    • Go back to original intention
    • Re-read Imago family mission statement
    • Cut away and defund everything that is not the vision by creating infrastructure to ensure that your resources are unavailable
  • There are opportunities available, even during the pandemic
  • Find something that feeds the mission, not just the appetite
    • Ie. difference between having sex vs. making love
  • At some point you go from spiritual vision to emotional engineering
  • My emotional, spiritual, and financial priorities are this man/woman sitting next to me
  • Have to have a radical shift in physiology
  • Restoration should be a radical practice vs. a tool you use sometimes
  • People need you for their own emotional regulation, so they’d rather outsource it to you than do the work themselves
  • You want to get rid of people who bring unnecessary drama and strife into your life
  • Proximity gives you access, access gives you impact
    • Who are the kind of people I’m giving access to? Who gives access to me?
    • Who is your mastermind team – “board of directors” – childhood friends, college friends, luminaries
  • Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks, so you realize their intention (those who would rather see you die than rise)
  • 50 Cent’s pain activated his creativity
  • The reason he is so successful is that he tells himself he needs to change and commits to the process of transformation
  • Keep your affirmative vision in front of you, so the rear view doesn’t take over
  • Act in alignment with your vision board
    • If it’s not on there, why are you giving it time or energy
  • Be willing to demote people
  • I’m going to replace you with someone who can do better for a lower cost
  • Opportunities have expiration dates – you want to capitalize on the opportunity of a lifetime within the lifetime of the opportunity
  • When you think you’re at you’re limit, you’re only at 40%
  • Marshall those habits so they become disciplines
  • Differentiate between opiates and ways of life
  • Repetition is the mother of skill before it’s conditioned
  • Ensure that your vision is pursued and your momentum is maintained
  • Your momentum can be shifted by shifting your focus
  • Opportunity costs – anywhere you’re spending money, there’s somewhere else it could have gone
  • Don’t do what’s emotionally satisfying, do what is strategically significant
  • When people provoke you, pivot with the practice of principles
  • Where attention goes, energy flows
  • To outgrow your history, you’ve got to feed your seeds and not your weeds
  • You’ve gotta be so committed to your outcome that you can’t be coopted by someone else’s drama
  • Vampires cannot prey upon us without our invitation (Buffy the Vampire Slayer analogy)
  • How do I participate in my own restoration/how do I practice that I may be restored?
  • What would it be like if your life was the practice of the discipline of the Sabbath?
  • What are the mentalities we need to have to rise above our circumstance?
  • You need to stop submitting to the tyranny of yesterday
  • Storm/Black Panther analogy – it took a voice she loves and trusts to break out of claustrophobia
  • What it looks like when love overcomes fear

Notes from Session with Dr. Wayne 7-9-2020: Let Your Gift Make Room for You

  • Don’t let anybody cause you to come from outside yourself
  • Pivot with principles, don’t react with emotion
  • Remember Habit 4: Think Win-Win
  • Protect and preserve what you found.
  • Trust your own heart, not what you inherited
  • Protect and preserve those who love, nourish, and edify me the most
  • Let go of all unnecessary stress that does not serve you
  • Maybe the old rules don’t apply anymore. Recognize who and what remain the priority
  • If I don’t move poverty out of the way, there’s no room for growth
  • People may say, “Don’t forget where you came from”… I say “Don’t forget where you’re going”
  • If you want to be successful, learn how to accommodate change and do it faster
  • Be so busy chasing tomorrow you ain’t got time to respond to yesterday
  • People may know the facts of your life, but not the story of your life [Dr. Wayne’s personal experiences with friends]
  • Past stories – boring, incriminating, or sad
  • People return to who you were then because they’re not comfortable with who you are now
  • I can love you above the offense, but I lower your priority on my list
  • Act in alignment with your vision board
  • Delete the nonessentials
  • I am so busy pursuing that which feeds me that I don’t have time for that which drains me
  • [Song Reference] – Barry White I Got So Much to Give
  • What can facilitate healing – a change in nutrition or diet [both literally and metaphorically]
  • How do I recover from a lifetime of injury? By nourishing myself differently
  • Lead, love, and live from something other than your wound – from your wisdom
  • The power of humor is the equivalent of a plant based diet
  • When everyone insists that you play checkers, play chess to win the day
  • You know you’re doing something when you get paid and rewarded for being yourself
  • Hold on to your gift and let go of your curse
  • Your gift will make room for you to be who you actually are and bring you before great people. To be who God ordained you to be. In this case, Kris and I are each others’ gift
  • Not just so you can resolve, but so can be restored and then promoted
  • Yesterday can’t talk to tomorrow. A cassette player can’t tell my phone how to play music
  • Don’t let your past block a better idea
  • You represent a psychological, emotional, and spiritual innovation
  • Deal with people from the center and not the margins
  • References in popular culture:
  • Hamilton – a manual on how to make your vision a reality
  • What will happen when your family of origin leaves the stage
  • Examples: Michael Jackson, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Prince
  • Focus on what you need to do to nourish yourself
  • You can spend your time complaining about a bad meal, or you can enjoy a good one
  • Whatever your Hamilton is, put that on your vision board and work toward that with all deliberate speed
  • I don’t have the bandwidth for the blight or the burden or the BS
  • Remember that God does not respond uniformly to my calamity, sometimes he waits to see how I will respond
  • RRP – Recovery, Restoration, Promotion